Dear Writers,

So, you’ve decided you’re a woman and would like to submit something funny to Funny Women, the Rumpus column that will alter the landscape of comedy, enhance cup size, and cure frigidity. Out of all the decisions in the world, this is the best one you can make.

Send all entries to funnywomen@therumpus.net.

Deadline:
Rolling/infinity. Never stop writing. This is a column, not a contest (contests end), so please submit often.

Length:
Please keep in mind this is the Internet; so make it short, sweetheart. By “Internet” and “short,” I mean the ideal piece is between 500 and 1,500 words. If you have a beautifully written humor piece with a strong narrative voice, then size doesn’t matter.

Content:

What you submit doesn’t need to be true/factual/personally ruinous. It has to be funny. Also, just because you are a woman and I am asking for funny women, does not mean that you need to write an ironic women’s issues piece. I encourage you not to follow the familiar scripts. We’re starting a revolution after all, so that means change.

Cover letters:
Not necessary, but why not tell me a little about yourself and throw some compliments my way? I’m in this for more than the submissions; I’m aim to create a community of women writers, and doing so means getting to know each other.

Attachments:
I feel about Word documents as I feel about relationships with sketchy men: no attachments, please. Paste your entire piece into the e-mail message.

Formatting:
Please don’t do any tricked-out formatting with fonts that look like handwriting or tell me something about your personality. Keep it simple and readable.

To include in your e-mail:
Title of submission, your name, e-mail address, Web site (if you have one), and favorite book written by a woman.

Each submission should look like this:

“How to Break Up with That Fucktaco in One Week or Less”
By Elissa Bassist
funnywomen@therumpus.net
TheRumpus.net
The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath (no, wait, no: Anagrams, by Lorrie Moore)

Subject line of your e-mail:
Any variation on “Funny Women” is best. I worry that subject lines containing the title of the piece (if you are a dirty bird) may end up in a spam folder. An example of this might be: “My Humiliating Sexual Experience.”

Author bios:
Please, please! I want you to be famous and appreciated and extolled; I really do.

Previously published work:
I think this is illegal.

Payment:
The compensation is extravagant: pride in knowing you contributed to the diverse canon of women’s writing + changing the world’s mind about who’s funny. Your heart will swell with accomplishment and all cellulite: gone. (NB: My mission is to one day pay writers. Most of us have accepted that we’re never going to get paid for what we do, while what we do is valuable work. Fuck you, Internet.)

Response time:
I’ll have anxiety dreams if I don’t get back to you soon. But please understand this project takes due diligence. The response time will vary between two minutes and two months. Forgive me. Have patience with me. Rome (run by women) won’t be built in a day.

Reasons you might not hear back:
None. I’m not a bitch. If you don’t hear back after two months, then I didn’t get your e-mail. Send it again, please.

My measures of judgment:

A vagina. It’s not that I’m sexist, but sometimes it’s important to fight sexism with sexism.

Utilization of nontraditional narrative and syntactical deviations.

Universal applicability. You were crapped on [in some way]? I was crapped on [in same way]!

Discussion of men being emotionally AWOL.

References to literature’s antiquity, David Lynch, The Wire, and sex phobias.


Other criteria:

I laugh aloud.

I am in some way offended.

The term “manorexic” is used.


Some reasons I might not choose your piece to appear on Funny Women:
You write a poem. I don’t feel I can adequately judge poetry.
You send me a list. These are funny, I agree, but it’s just not the right time.
You send me an illustration/comic/piece under 10 words.
You use irony in the wrong way.
You begin a piece: “This is not a love story.”
Alternatively, you begin a piece: “This is a love story.”
You have ten or more grammar mistakes.
You are overly graphic and inappropriate. Talking about vaginas is cool, but there is a line, you know? Use your judgement.
You think you are saying something feminist, but you’re really just saying something racist.
You don’t adhere to what I’ve said above.
Maybe I am a bitch.
Your submission is not a humor submission.
You don’t believe in yourself and your dreams.

Please direct any additional questions/snide remarks/plans for revolution to: funnywomen@therumpus.net.

 

A few more notes about submissions:

I’ll keep the Funny Women Submission Guidelines updated to reflect why I’m choosing the pieces I’m choosing. Of course, every one of you is special and unique and funny, but I’m looking for specific criteria that is subject to change with every emotional and inexplicable whim of mine. Sometimes you’ll feel like you’re being rejected if I don’t choose your piece, as if we’re in a relationship and I choose to sleep with your best friend instead of you, but on Funny Women, it’s just not like that.

This is what it is like: if I don’t choose your piece, what I mean is, “It takes hundreds of drafts and submissions and edits to even produce one sentence that isn’t crap, and that one stunning sentence you wrote that isn’t crap makes life worth living, etc.” More than or equal to submitting, I encourage you to resubmit, rework, or throw it all away and try again. If nothing else, read Bird by Bird.


Snippets from an interview on Funny Women:

What are you looking for in Funny Women submissions?

- Brevity, depth, and surprise. It’s hard to nail all three simultaneously, so I pass on a fair amount of good pieces. I like humor submissions that have succinct essays within them. Also, I like being offended. Cross that line, bitches.


What are the biggest flaws you’ve seen in submissions?

- Rants about babies, few to no compliments in cover letters, graphic pornography, excessive use of vagina as metaphor. Mostly, I think the danger of the Funny Women submissions is that many women might think it’s supposed to be funny about being a woman (complaining about children, tampons, too much hair in any one place). It’s the opposite: I think the more women can write off the topic of being a woman, the funnier it will be (I just plagiarized an e-mail from Rumpus Art Editor Julie Greicius). And still, women making fun of how society makes fun of women is funny. You know, solid irony. In Parks and Recreation Amy Poehler’s character gives reasons why she shot a man in the head during a co-ed hunting trip: “I let my emotions get the best of me. I just I cared too much I guess. I was thinking with my lady parts. I was walking and I felt something icky. I thought there was going to be chocolate. I don’t ever remember. I’m wearing a new bra and it closes in the front so it popped open and it threw me off. All I want to do is have babies. Are you single? I’m just, like, going through a thing right now. I guess when my life is incomplete I want to shoot someone. This would not happen if I had a penis. What? Bitches be crazy. I’m good at tolerating pain. I’m bad at math and I’m stupid.”